i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
