found the other keg... it's in the tree
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I intend to get homeless drunk
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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