she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
