1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
