if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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