I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
These tits shall not be calmed
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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