speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
