just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
