i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
the condom got lost in my hair
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
