We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
