i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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