My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize