i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
