apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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