Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
