Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
