Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
