one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
