guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
