Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
