Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize