O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
