Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
