dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
