there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
false alarm, still single
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
