it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
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