I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
