i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
