Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
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