You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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