happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
