I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
