i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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