I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
