she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
