if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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