Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
