Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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