Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
