Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Randomize
