Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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