I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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