I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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