awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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