she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the gays at disneyland are vicious
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
