So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
