I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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