i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
