just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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