Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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