He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
