and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
