haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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