Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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