yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
