my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
