First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
