I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
