I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
