you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
