I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
