sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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