Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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