I got her a Nickelback box set.
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
