Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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