Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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