I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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